Radio KoL The Official Unofficial Station for the Kingdom of Loathing

Criswell


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Wombatilim

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Laureth

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Criswell

CRITICALLY IMPORTANT: PLEASE HELP OUR OWN KINGDOMERS

(1) Mistress Of The Obvious, chat moderator extraordinaire, and her family are facing homelessness. https://www.gofundme.com/aavalon

(2) Aromia Flyce, your favorite and most awesomest DJ, is doing much better and thanks you for your generous donations.

(3) Sassy Staci wishes to thank those generous people who helped her in her time of need.

(4) BAM’s brother Bruce (can you say that fast 11 times?) also thanks those of you who helped when he needed it.

(5) I’m not certain about Draconik’s current status. He has not logged in since the end of 2017, and his link has gone 404. I hope he is OK.

Hey, Criswell! Why is your page so plain, simple, cheap, and cheezy?

(1) I like it this way. Plain, simple, cheap, and cheezy is my style.

(2) I don’t have time to learn a new editing system. I never even learned the OLD editing system.

(3) Instead, I’d rather spend my time drinking sugar free Gatorade (or Powerade), wearing three-eyed mirrored sunglasses, and turning off all the TVs at various casino simulcast rooms.

Music you will hear (list subject to expansion)

ELP, Pink Floyd, Beethoven, Bach, Kim Lembo, The Mountain Goats, The Kimberly Trip, Welcome To Night Vale network, Weird Al is OK if it’s NOT a food song.

The CONET Project: Recordings of short wave numbers stations, Get out your one-time pads and remember to drink your ovaltine.

Larry Correia’s Monster Hunter International series: Andalusia suggested this. I think Vendetta (the second book) is even better than the first. I will be playing the third book Alpha after I have listened to it. I also have three more after that one.

Paul Cooley stories: These stories contain adult language, violence, sex, violent sex, and sexual violence. Listener discretion is ALWAYS advised. You will soon discover why you need to take “We don’t believe in happy endings” VERY seriously.

The Street – What if the NeoCons cancelled PBS, and the Muppets were left to fend for themselves, while Sesame Street decayed into a drug addicted gang run ghetto? Contains harsh language, puppet violence and scenes that WILL disturb your inner child. If you’re made of fur and stuffing, be careful of anyone carrying a seam ripper. (All three of my loyal fans praised this one, so, of course, I’m going to play it every so often for those who loved it and those who missed it.) Paul Cooley has removed The Street from his websites, and there will be no future Street stories. [SAD] He has also said that he can not control if SOMEONE took those files and put them out on the internet. I have no idea who he could have been talking about when he said that. https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B09aTPkIWzmRQVd3d3djYWE0MEU

Closet Treats – a long slow burn – Trey Legere is delusional. He sees a man with glowing green eyes who lives in his closet. When he sees a ghoul driving an ice cream truck in his neighborhood, he becomes more fearful for his son, Alan, but when his wife and neighbor also see the ice cream truck ghoul, maybe it’s not just Trey’s delusion, but something more sinister. Calvsie LOVED this story, praising Cooley’s writing style as a rare interesting unique voice, but was greatly disturbed by the ending.

Ghere’s Inferno – There is a serial arsonist on the loose. Is he insane or demonically possessed? Can Emy Annunzio and the arson squad stop him before the entire city of Houston becomes Ghere’s Inferno?

The Black – A series of 4 (soon to be 5) novels about a creature that will digest anything that isn’t metal or glass running amok in very different claustrophobic environments (I am a main character and will be killed in the 5th book – Extinction)

Derelict Saga –The MIRA, mankind’s only hope for survival, was sent out 50 years ago, and just disappeared. No one knew why, but conspiracy theories had sprung up about it. Now the MIRA has returned, and a team of space Marines has been ordered to investigate. The AI’s know something, but they are not telling what that something is. Some mysteries just shouldn’t be solved.

Garaaga’s Children –While I love these Nephilim stories, they caused numerous SAM crashes, so I will no longer play these, but you can download and listen here: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B09aTPkIWzmRNHFSQkh6UmdnTEU

Please limit requests to 3 songs and 25Mb. (Certain exceptions apply – PostModernJukebox, Kate Davis, Jody Lynscott unlimited)

email DJCriswell265@gmail.com or ssenate2000@yahoo.com and let me know that you are sending it so that I don’t miss it

Music you will NOT hear (list subject to expansion)

Most rap, most mashups, Weird Al food songs, Ukranian Folk Music. If I don’t like it, I will destroy it.

Contests:

Criswell wants to be generous but does not want to be taken advantage of. No multi-abuse. Each contest is limited to one win per player. I can split your prize among two accounts if you choose. DJs are eligible for all contests.

Paul Cooley’s Graveyard

Contribute at least $1 per month to Paul Cooley’s Patreon page (Fiendling or higher level), you receive exclusive/early content. You also become a character in one of his future stories, get your name in his graveyard and I send you 10,001 meat. I am excited to be killed in a rather nasty and disgusting way in the fifth book of The Black series called Extinction. For those who have asked or were wondering, no, I am NOT Paul Cooley. I just fell in love with his writing style. I am most certainly one of his Fiendlings.

Criswell’s Bribe:

Make me a bump. I’d prefer you to include something like “This is ______________(Your KOL name) and you’re listening to Radio KOL where a Criswell is him and a ___________________________________(fill in the blank) is you.” but after that anything goes.

First Tier – The first 10 bump makers receive a bribe of 100,001 meat and will be listed as first tier bribers – Carslyle, Chadomancer, TwoHearted_Flail, ASmithsGirl, Eldecrok (promised)

Second Tier – The next 10 bump makers receive a bribe of 10,001 meat and will be listed as second tier bribers.

Third Tier – After 20, all bump makers receive a bribe of 11 meat.

I See You:

I may occasionally peek into the ICanHazChat RadioKol channel. If I see you, you win 10,001 meat. This can happen AT ANY TIME, even when my show is NOT on.

Trivia Contest

This may or may not be announced ahead of time. Blue message /msg Criswell. The contest ends when I receive 15 answers, 10 correct answers, or about 6 to 8 minutes worth of stuff, whichever comes first. Correct answerers receive 100,001 meat. Incorrect answerers receive 10,001 meat, however an interesting incorrect answer may get bumped up to 100,001 meat. I may drop a hidden clue earlier in the show without telling you. ARIADOS will roll down the stairs from among ALL answerers and the winner will receive an additional 1,000,001 meat. I MAY test the question on a DJ(s) and/or player(s) before the contest. They cannot be used as a lifeline resource, but will receive 10,001 meat to help me gauge the difficulty of the question. Donations to Mr Salty (517995) will be given to the rolloff winner of the next contest as well as the meat prizes. Let me know if you are donating to Mr Salty as I seldom check that account these days.

Call Me Criswell

There are hints on this page and I often drop some during my show, so discover my real name (It’s NOT Paul Cooley) then find my real phone number (please DO NOT pay or subscribe to any sort of service to obtain this) then call me and listen to my answering machine message. Leave your KOL name (correct spelling including spaces if any) and your player number and I will send you 10,001 meat. Call me Criswell. I’m right here.

KEEP CALM AND WHATEVER (inspired by PandaPants)

This was fun and popular. 4,230,018 meat was given away. This one will be coming back, but only Criswell knows when. About a week in advance I will announce a WHATEVER phrase. Use a KEEP CALM or other generator, or make your own graphic using the WHATEVER phrase. TEN entries will be allowed. Each will receive 100,001 meat with 3 chances to win an additional 1,000,001 meat (each counts as a separate contest, so one winner can take away 3,100,004). During the next show, any listener may vote for a favorite, as long is it is not his/her own entry. All voters get 10,001 meat. Those who choose a winner get an additional 100,001 meat, and the chosen winner gets 1,000,001 meat in addition to the entry 100,001. ARIADOS will roll herself down the stairs (1d10) and her choice will get an additional 1,000,0001 meat. Also Criswell’s favorite also gets an additional 1,000,001 meat. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? What? No. Wrong tagline. Sorry.

(This contest space is intentionally left blank except for the message indicating it is intentionally left blank so it’s really not left blank then.)

Print out these rules, memorize them, tear the paper in half, eat the upper half, burn the lower half.